Sacrifice, Love, HG, and Gingivitis.

I've been wanting to write this blog for a long time but the combination of exhaustion, hormones, and maybe fear have kept me from jumping on it. I want to write because I want to support mamas everywhere who go through the kinds of pregnancies that I have. It was so hard for me to find any bit of information while I was in the peak of my trials and I felt really alone and sometimes angry.  But I'm also awkward and bad at words...and I absolutely do NOT want to sound ungrateful.

Pregnancy is hard for everyone! Well except for [insert the name of that one perfect mom you hate]. But surely she has other trials. (RIGHT????)  And why would it be easy, you're GROWING A HUMAN!  I don't this to be a pity party at all, but I am still a little bitter so it may sound like it sometimes. I'm going to label sections because this is a blog that if I stumbled upon, I would skim to find the answers that I wanted rather than reading the whole thing.  Also...if you want to skip everything altogether...there is a summary at the end :) 

Hyperemesis Gravidarum

I have hyperemesis gravidarum.  Which just means that when I am pregnant I get so sick that I am put on regular IVs and and lose a ton of weight. They say if you lose more than 5% of your body weight from severe nausea and vomiting during pregnancy, it is Hyperemesis.  This time I lost 15% of my pre-pregnancy body weight in the first trimester. I'm a smallish person, so I didn't exactly have a whole lot of weight to spare. I basically looked dead...And felt even worse than I looked. And I wish that I had an answer for how to remedy the nausea and vomiting  that comes with HG but I don't, and neither does any of the internet. I tried every nausea medication on the market. But on the days that I got an IV, I was able to eat a meal or two without losing it!  I read that eating naturally fermented foods will kill the bacteria that causes HG...but the idea still makes me gag.  I wish I had more answers and I PRAY that by the time my sweet Emery is a mommy, they have more answers because it is miserable.  More on feelings later.

Rolling Veins

A quick bit of advice if you have rolling veins and have to get regular IVs...(this came from one of my favorite ladies who has a daughter with rolling veins - and whose husband happens to be a nurse) ask for an EMT the moment you get there.  The only person who was ever able to get a needle into my vein the first try was a Navy Corpsman.  I got stuck 7 times once, 6 times another time, the average for me is 4.  NEVER less than 2.  But EMTs are trained to get the needle in under the most stressful circumstances and can generally get you the very first time, every time! 

Necrotizing ulcerative gingivitis. 

Gross right?  This is the topic that I found NO HELP with online, and one of the major reasons that I wanted to write this blog. Necrotizing ulcerative gingivitis is generally only seen in chemo patients.  It is caused by a lack of nutrition, often combined with the presence of stomach acid in the mouth from hours of vomiting.  It started for me during my 7th week. Pregnancy induced gingivitis is suuuper common. It usually consists of gums that bleed while brushing. Let me be clear....This is NOT the same as that. I had ulcers covering my lips, tongue, gums, roof of my mouth, throat..even down my esophagus. The skin around my teeth was dying and falling off. I saw two dentists who both said that they had never seen anything like it. (Ok, I'm not gross, I'm clean, I brush my teeth...so stop judging.) I was on an all liquid diet - even soft foods ripped the skin off of my mouth - and the hyperemesis made me throw up the moment the "meal" hit my stomach. I did not hold down a single thing for 8 days straight. I was given 5 prescriptions to help to clear it. But what finally helped was NOT using the prescriptions and NOT brushing with the special gingivitis toothpaste.  The  cure for necrotizing ulcerative gingivitis is coconut oil.  I wanted to try oil pulling but knew that there was no way that I'd be able to stomach that, so I just brushed with it. I sat at my sink and cried my eyes out because the pain of even the softest bristled brush was too much to bear...and covered my teeth and gums with the coconut oil.  If you have (or have had) these ulcers, you know the pain of brushing, so let me tell you - do not use the regular brushing motion!  After dipping my toothbrush in the coconut oil I lightly pressed the brush to my teeth and moved the bristles up so that they scooted lightly underneath my swollen gums - just one scoot per tooth was all I could handle.  Front and back.  Afterwards I did a quick rinse with diluted lemon juice. It had almost completely cleared within days and I was able to eat mashed potatoes on my sister's birthday!

Sickness is NOT just Physical

Even worse than the physical pain - not just of the ulcers, but of the intense, overwhelming hunger - was the emotional distress I was in.  I was not capable of moving further than from my bed to the couch and back...I held a trashcan at my side so that I didn't have to run to the toilet each time I had to throw up.  And I have a sweet husband, who I have ALWAYS been able to care for, and an active, loving toddler...who both NEEDED me.   I couldn't eat, let alone cook dinner.  Cleaning was out of the question.  The house smelled like...poop and pee and throw up and rotten food.  And I sat and cried and wondered if it was really worth it...and then came the guilt for even wondering such a thing.  I have many friends who have suffered multiple times with the pain of miscarrying their sweet growing babies, and I know that those mommies would give anything - including their physical comfort and health - to be able to be carrying a healthy baby.  And there I sat with hardly a trace of gratitude for the miracle that I was getting to be a part of.  I prayed and begged Heavenly Father to ease my burden, and I always ended it with, "if it means that my baby can still be healthy while I am comfortable."  Then sometimes when I didn't feel comforted, I felt angry and lonely.  I read blogs about women who had HG for their entire pregnancy, every single pregnancy, and continued to have child after child. Bad mom award right here. 

The Atonement of Christ

When I was sick with Emery a sweet friend of mine told me that pregnancy, labor, and delivering a baby are the very closest ways that a person can feel what Christ felt during the Atonement.  I have remembered this many, many, many times during this pregnancy - and even shared it with another mommy friend during her difficult time.  I am so blessed and thankful to have a faithful husband with a beautiful testimony of the Lord.  I told him one day that I felt like I could deal with the illnesses if I only KNEW the baby.  And I knew that I had met the sweet spirit in our pre-mortal existence, but I just wanted desperately to remember so that I could obtain strength from the memory.  He suggested that this might have been one of the many thoughts that must have crossed the mind of our Savior as He suffered in Gethsemane, begging the Father to remove the bitter cup.  Had He been able to see the faces of those who were being saved, perhaps He would have felt strengthened.  As my health began to improve, I asked Ethan if he thought that Heavenly Father might be mad at me for wanting Him to take away the pain.  He said absolutely not.  Because even Christ asked to have the bitter cup removed because it was too much to bear.  None of this is to say that being a mommy puts a person at the same level as the Savior of the world!  But it gave me such a different understanding of the Atonement.  I began to rely on the Savior as I developed a deeper understanding of His love.  The times that I felt alone, I laid on my tear-stained pillow and imagined that He was next to me, a comforting hand on my shoulder - the only one who knew EXACTLY how I was suffering.  It was the first time that I had allowed Him to heal me like that. 

In case you're reading the whole blog...

I was SO blessed through all of this.  The sisters from our church sent around a meal calendar and fed my family for three weeks!  My sweet friend stopped in almost every day to check on me, and would often take Emery out to walk or play at the park...she even picked up and did the dishes a couple of times.  A couple of cute moms from church picked Emery up for play dates so that I could get uninterrupted rest.   I know that we had countless prayers, which had to have been what kept me alive some days.  The best part of trials is being able to see blessings so clearly.

In summary

• If you have HG, I am so sorry and you are not alone - please know that no matter how many times you get frustrated by people telling you that it is worth it, IT REALLY IS.  It is not forever. And IT IS OK TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF!!!

• If you know somebody with HG, it is NOT the same as morning sickness.  Be sensitive and loving and know that there is nothing you can do to make it better, so just love them!  Maybe help with the family :) 

• Ask an EMT to give you your IV.

• Pregnancy induced Necrotizing Ulcerative Gingivitis is gross and horrible and curable by coconut oil!  In fact, I think I'll go do a coconut oil brush now.

• JESUS HEALS.  All wounds.  And the sacrifice you are making in love to bring a sweet life into the world should be a testimony to you of the things that He can and will do to help and comfort you.  Even when Especially when nothing else helps.  "Cast your burdens on the Lord."

• I am so blessed.

Ok.  Speaking of vomit...I think I needed to get all of that out more than anyone might actually need it.  Word vomit.